un año sin ti 24.oct.25 sunny and cold

i’m having the heaviest period i’ve had since before i got my first IUD at 18. last night, i sobbed uncontrollably after Bad Bunny was awarded artist of the 21st century at the Billboard Latin Music Awards lmao. my mom said he’s finally starting to grow on her and i explained how his most recent album, debi tirar más fotos, came out the day after my birthday this year. i was born so close to midnight on the 4th anyway. the album explores change and grief on a personal and national level. it’s been one of a few soundtracks to my now year with abuela dead. i moved across the country with a carry on and without returning to my newly leased apartment on the east coast for over 6 months to get my things. i cried nearly daily on my 2 hour bus commute home from my new job in housing. i connected clients to rental assistance, permanent supportive housing, and emergency shelters, all while my mom’s rent-controlled unit we’ve lived in for 30 years was listed for sale. i’ve watched my hometown get gentrified and regentrified. i see my neighbors sell their property to tech families who tear down historic one floor spanish homes and opt to build 2-story rigid, gray mcmansions in their stead. i’ve taken grey hounds and flix buses from LA to Bakersfield to see my dying dad and stay the night with him for the first time since we last lived together (i was 5 when he moved out). i have felt the shadows grow around me exponentially and uncontrollably. i don’t really know what i’m saying anymore. it’s been a really fucking hard and deadly year. it’s somehow felt longer and shorter than any period of time i’ve ever measured previous. it feels longer than my entire life before it. it feels longer than all of college but shorter than high school. it feels longer than my most recent IUD insertion (3 minutes) but shorter than my first (45). trauma warps shit and time isn’t real anyway.

if you took the time to read this, don’t say shit to me about it. there’s no call to action here, no plea for shit. i just needed a place to store the way im feeling today. later tonight, im going to drink wine and whiskey with my mom and cousins. we’ll probably play catan too. and then i’ll go and sleep in the bed my grandma died in a year ago today, next to the one i slept in from ages 8 to 24.